What Your Exercise Regimen Says About You
When it comes to fitness, there isn’t any right style; however, the internet would have you believe otherwise. From crossfit to pole dancing, there are many fads out there that will clearly withstand the test of time, while others will thankfully (hopefully?) fade from memory. That being said, there are advocates and detractors of any type of fitness regimen. Below are some of the extremes.
What You Think: You are a dead lifting, ass-to-grass squatting machine and, yes, you enjoy burpees. You aren’t just after amazing abs, taut glutes, or bulging biceps; you want the full body fitness package. You denounce the “curls for girls” ideology and weep for those who skipped leg day.
What Everyone Else Thinks: Please, stop talking about paleo. I don’t care. Also, your bleeding, bandaged hands are kind of freaking me out. Are you trying to win at exercise?
What You Think: You are strong and you are focused. You know that your athleticism and anaerobic capacity is unbeatable. You also don’t have time to play games or mess around. You want results in a highly efficient manner.
What Everyone Else Thinks: You have no attention span and an unhealthy obsession with 20/10 and 40/20 intervals. Also, we’re pretty sure you are cheating at this whole fitness thing (4 minutes? Puh-lease). Plus, you are just some strange sibling of crossfit.
Thank god that’s over, I thought this workout would never end.
What You Think: Yoga involves the mind as well as the body. You often describe it as much of a spiritual activity as it is physical. It requires focus and the ability to get into the zone. Many people assume that you are perpetually serene and relaxed, and, let’s face it, you are often much more level headed than the average Joe.
What Everyone Else Thinks: You are a flexible freak of nature who has mastered how to hold in flatulence. You also say weird words that have no meaning for non-yoga goers such as chakra and Namaste. You are a modern hippy and probably vegetarian or vegan. You will be that person who comes to a party with humus or something made out of quinoa. Also, you will know how to actually pronounce quinoa.
What You Think: You are getting your yoga on in intense humidity to loosen up your muscles, burn more calories, and rid your body of toxins (or you live in the frigid tundra and simply want warmth). You are the extreme cousin of a typical yoga fan, but you still prefer the spirituality of yoga over other exercise options. There is a lot of debate over whether hot yoga is good or bad for you, but you love it and wouldn’t have yoga any other way.
What Everyone Else thinks: You are the more extreme sexier cousin of yoga. (Because nothing says sexy like even sweatier spandex. Oh sorry, not spandex. Lululemon.) You can also do that pretzel thing in the bedroom.
What You Think: Screw those yoga hippies. You don’t have time to get in tune with your chi or find your chakras or whatever it is they want you to do. You want a finely sculpted tush, and that ain’t gonna happen sitting around “Om-ing” the afternoon away. One hour, done.
What Everyone Else Thinks: Dear god, you are terrifying. Your visible abdominals, killer quads, and amazing derriere make everyone else want to weep into their cottage cheese (because that is all they will be eating for next three weeks or until you leave the room).
What You Think: This isn’t just exercise it is an art form. Pole dancing allows you to express your creative side while simultaneously getting an awesome workout. Not only do you feel sexy, you look sexy and there is no better way to exercise than that.
What Everyone Else Thinks: A lot of things, and none of them good. You also probably shouldn’t tell your pervy uncle-who’s-not-really-your-uncle about your newfound passion.
What You Think: You’ve studied kinesiology, attended camps, and honed your strategies. You also know where all the local gyms and competitions will be held. You started out as either a diehard grappler or you could strike with a ferocity that intimidated those in higher weight classes. Now you’ve come to embrace the hybridization of the two and you are an unstoppable force. Ground and pound is your mantra. You would explain more, but you need to go hit the gym then sit in the sauna. You have a weigh in tomorrow.
What Everyone Else Thinks: Are you a wrestler or a boxer? You guys have belts…so it’s just like WWE right? But there is also some super dangerous face pounding so is this real life Fight Club? Also, there seems to be whole lot of nothing happening once you take eachother to the ground. Just two people wrapped around each other in an awkward embrace for agonizing minutes on end. Tell me, what exactly do you get out of staring at another person’s butt for that long?
BeachBody and At-Home Fitness
What You Think: You are sick of the gyms and their annual fees that cost more than your mortgage, judgemental cardio queens caked in makeup, and creepy weight-lifting, macho-man grunters. You are sick of the machines that make no sense and overbearing personal trainers. You are ready to tackle this fitness thing on your own. You have dumbbells, a yoga mat, a nutrition plan, an online support forum, and Tony Horton to see you through to the end! 90 days is all you need and you will be ripped! You’ve done your research and you are certain you know more about health and fitness than any of those heavy-breathing, treadmill running dingbats.
What Everyone Else Thinks: Repeat after me: You are not a personal trainer. And please just stop with the Shakeology, nobody cares and nobody is going to pay hundreds of dollars for it. Didn’t you quit the gym because if cost too much? And while we are discussing the gym, your form has gone to hell since you left.
What You Think: Benchpress, squat, deadlift: these are just some of your favorite things. Actually, they are the only things in life that matter. This art form goes all the way back to the Greeks and Romans and has attained Olympic status. Your opposition is fierce, but you are unafraid. You’ve made weekly gains in your lifts and you are going to rock at the next competition. You aren’t here to look hot in some bodybuilder man-bikini, you are here to compete.
What Everyone Else Thinks: You like to pick things up and put them down, big whoop. And since when does being strong mean eating everything in sight? Put the burger down. Also, the rest of the world does not speak in grunt (and I’m pretty sure you’re just a lazy bodybuilder).