The Types of People You Meet at the Gym
Now that’s we’ve figured out just what style of workout you enjoy and what that says about you, it’s time to hone in on the personalities.
These people live on the treadmill, elliptical, and stationary bike. They don’t lift weights because they don’t want to get bulky (because that’s totally how it works).
If at all possible, they will also be reading a magazine, probably Cosmo, because there is nothing better than losing weight and learning all about the 547 ways to please your significant other in the bedroom. If it’s not possible to read, then they are chatting away on their phones.
Why? Because if the whole world doesn’t know they are at the gym, then it doesn’t count.
Cardio queens spend more time in the gym than nearly anyone else and have the least fun while doing it. Often they do so in order to be able to eat a ton of crap when they get home. That cheesecake in the fridge? Ooooh it is so totally theirs tonight. They did 10 hours of cardio this week, they deserve it.
This person may or may not ever actually workout. The jury is still out on the matter. They arrive to the gym perfectly coiffed and manicured, often wearing more makeup than RuPaul would use in a year.
Weights? No way, they will chip their nail polish. Treadmill? Absolutely not, they will sweat and ruin their new ‘do. Plus, they spent good money on their designer shoes and Lululemon outfit, there is no way they are going to ruin them with scuffs and pit stains. Sauna? Hello, did you miss the part about the makeup? They are so not turning their face into a modern day Degas.
Middle Aged Ass Kicker
This person is well past the days of getting ID’d at the bar, but holy crap could they kick your college ass.
The women: While she is over there cranking out hand stand pushups the other middle aged men are giving her the eye trying to come up with pathetic come-ons.
The men: This dude can curl more than you can squat. You kind of want his autograph but you are kind of afraid his muscley fingers would snap your pen on accident. These people make anyone under the age of 30 feel like crap about their flabby midsection and wonder what they have done with their life.
These guys have their own gym, but god help you if they came to your regular ol’ Gold’s. Balls will be thrown, barbells will be slammed in triumph, and there will be lots of cheering.
They don’t work out, they do crossfit and you had better not mix up the two. And don’t ask them what the difference is unless you are prepared for a sermon.
While they are often jacked to the extreme, they also do a lot of crap that is just really unnecessary. Why do tuck jumps when they can jump on boxes? Screw boxes, how about a stack of tires?
Biceps and chest, every day. Or maybe just arms. If it involves the arms, these guys are doing it. Bicep curls, iso curls, hammer curls, tricep extension, tricep dips, but mostly bicep curls.
You can usually find them in the squat rack doing zero squats staring at their golf ball biceps in the mirror. If they branch out from biceps, they may do some chest exercises (“Spot me, Bro”) and some ab work. The end result is a precariously balanced triangle that is one good shove away from toppling over.
Leg day never happens with these guys and many of them are unaware how ridiculous they look. Others are perfectly aware, but they ignore their lower body because apparently girls don’t care about legs (thus, curls for girls).
There is also the rare breed that swears they just did legs yesterday and they are OmgSoSore. Apparently, they only do legs when you aren’t in the gym. Shocking. Remember Curlbro, you can’t spell legendary without leg day.
I Have No Idea What I’m Doing
This is perhaps the funniest and saddest person to watch in the gym. They stare at the machines in utter confusion, gingerly walking around trying to figure out what to do. The Curlbro curling in the squat rack just adds to the confusion.
This person usually signed up for a gym membership with the best of intentions but then got there and realized they have no clue what to do. You will often find them incorrectly using various pieces of equipment that have nothing to do with each other before resigning themselves to the treadmill.
I Live in the Locker Room
This person, for some reason, is always naked. When you showed up they were naked, when you left they were naked. You never see them anywhere but the locker room and you aren’t even sure they understand they are in a gym. They are often very friendly, but any conversation with them is awkward as they are usually flaunting their junk in full view.